


As Luck Would Have It

by Ayantiel



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-05-19
Packaged: 2017-11-05 15:11:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/407883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayantiel/pseuds/Ayantiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Douglas is around Martin's flat, he rifles through some papers and finds martin's prepared suicide note.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Luck Would Have It

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Cabin Pressure Exchange of the CP fandom on LJ (http://cabin-pressure.livejournal.com/)  
> for alicia_adrana (http://alicia-adrana.livejournal.com/)  
> Prompt: Douglas/Martin - when Douglas is around Martin's flat, he rifles through some papers and finds martin's prepared suicide note.
> 
> This is partly inspired by real life experiences. Not everything has a direct link to reality as Martin and Douglas are obviously different people with different beliefs and desires.

Douglas watched in fond amusement as his lover paced back and forth across the living room floor. Martin's face was flushed slightly, clashing with his red hair adorably, and he kept sighing and biting his lip. He hadn't noticed Douglas' presence yet so the first officer could watch merrily away.

When Martin raked a frustrated hand through his hair, Douglas took pity on him and decided to snap him out of it.

“I never realised you were that anxious to see me, Martin.” He drawled, startling the younger man.

“Oh, Douglas, I didn't hear you come in.”

Douglas noted with a smug smile that almost immediately Martin's posture relaxed upon seeing him. The tension fled from his shoulders and a gentle smile appeared on the man's face.

After a quick kiss in greeting, Douglas pressed a last kiss to Martin's temple.

“What has you so frantic then, captain?” He murmured in his ear.

Martin let out a sigh, relaxing in his lover's arms. “Oh, just my usual bad luck really.” He said, his tone slightly frustrated. “My landlord is complaining I haven't payed my rent, but I could swear I payed it! Just before the end of the month I got that big moving job, remember? I had sore muscles for a week.”

“Oh, I remember” Douglas purred. He'd gladly given a rather interesting massage.

Martin flushed. “You and your dirty mind!”

“I didn't say an improper word, Martin. Where is your mind at?”

“Stop it” Martin admonished, swatting his arm in mock indignation.

“The thing is,” He continued. “I can't pay another month's rent right now. And if I don't, I'll be kicked out.”

Douglas frowned. Usually Martin's landlord was rather lenient. He was aware of Martin's financial situation and had more than once given Martin a few extra days to get enough money together. It was unlike him to make Martin pay twice.

“Don't you have a receipt or bank statement somewhere?” Douglas asked as he ran a hand up and down Martin's arm in an offer of comfort.

“I've been searching all over, but I can't find it.” He said in defeat.

“Hmmm, want me to help you look?”

“But we've got plans for today...”

“Which shall be decidedly less pleasant if you are constantly worried whether or not you'll be homeless by the end of the month.” Douglas interrupted. “Come on then, where should we look first.”

Martin cast him a quick smile, before turning thoughtful. “Well, I've searched through all my papers upstairs already, and I looked around here too to see if I left anything here, but no luck.”

“We'll look through 'em all again.” Douglas said. “Have you checked your van?”

“Oh!”

Douglas smiled. “Off you go then. I'll start in your room.”

“Thank you” Martin said and he gave him a quick kiss before heading off. Douglas chuckled and headed up the small stairs to Martin's attic.

When he opened the door he was met with a sight that would have send his second ex-wife screaming for the hills. Papers were scattered everywhere, the bed was unmade with the covers cascading down the side onto the floor and the desk drawers seemed to have exploded.

Shaking his head, Douglas started his work. He began with the papers on the floor, gathering them in his arms. He then sat on the edge of the bed and sorted through them, making neat stacks of paper as he searched for any sign of a receipt. He found some receipts, but most were memoirs of their dates. Douglas smiled as he remembered them.

He moved onto the desk drawers. He could hear Martin entering the house again and moving about downstairs. No luck with the van then.

Suddenly a piece of paper caught his eye. With a curious frown he fished it out from between the mess. It seemed to be a letter, but in Martin's handwriting. Why would he keep a letter written by himself? His curiosity piqued, he started reading.

_Dear Douglas,  
at least I'm assuming you'll be the first to find this._

_When you read this, you're probably wondering where I am. Came to fetch me for another flight.  
I'm sorry, but you'll have to fly without me from now on. You can be the captain._

_As you read this, I'm most likely already dead. It was all just too much. All the debts and the stress from having to work two jobs._

_It's not your fault or anyone else's. I've never been very lucky. But it's come to the point where I don't even enjoy flying anymore. That's it for me, Douglas. I've said before that if I cannot fly I don't want to live anymore. You thought I was joking at the time, weren't you?_

_It's alright though, it really is. We had a good run and I'm glad I met you. You've made my life so much more interesting. Please tell Carolyn that I'm grateful and tell Arthur being his friend was brilliant._

_Goodbye,  
Martin Crieff_

By the time Douglas had finished reading, his curiosity had transformed into paralysing fear. His hands were shaking and there was a lump in his throat.

When had Martin written this? Did he really plan on taking his life? He thought they were doing so well, dammit! They were coming up to their 4-month anniversary. He thought... He thought they were happy!

He could hear footsteps on the stairs, and sure enough next came Martin's voice calling for him.

“Douglas? Did you find anything?”

But Douglas didn't, couldn't, move. He just sat there staring at the note, his heart hammering in his chest. Martin's voice was like an anchor at this moment. Still alive, still here.

“Douglas, are you- Oh.”

The way Martin's voice went from hopeful to awkward should have been hilarious. Any other time, Douglas would have laughed.

He turned to look at Martin from his kneeled position on the floor, showing him the note. He didn't speak but his posture said enough. 'Explain'

He'd expected Martin to start fidgeting or stammering, but what he saw was a calm man. Somehow that frightened him more.

“I wrote that about 2 years ago.” Martin said as he moved to sit on his bed.

“2 years...” Douglas repeated weakly, his thoughts running through all kinds of scenarios. He looked Martin over once more and behind the mask of calm he could see hidden anxiousness. That was good, wasn't it? If Martin was afraid of something, he had something left to lose, right?

“Martin, please.” He said, his voice tired. Martin bit his lip. Definitely anxious then.

“I just want to understand. Explain why I just found a prepared suicide note in your papers.”

Martin sighed again and moved to sit on his bed. He patted the sheets next to him, indicating Douglas should come sit next to him. Douglas, for once, complied without comment, reaching out. In one hand the crumpled note in the other a warm hand.

Martin stared at their entwined fingers in silence. Douglas waited patiently for him to start speaking.

“I don't think I ever was actually deeply depressed.” Martin began. “I wasn't as cheerful as Arthur, but then again, who is?”

He smiled, but Douglas didn't mirror it. Martin squeezed his hand, before continuing.

“I think the best description of my state of mind at that time would be bored. I just didn't enjoy anything I did. I went through the motions, but I didn't really live.”

“Martin...” Douglas started. He couldn't imagine it. He knew Martin had had it rough, what with Carolyn not actually paying him and his van business not going well. But he couldn't imagine that being a reason to not want to live anymore. Surely they had their games and their bets! And Arthur always brought (or was) some form of entertainment! It's what had kept him from the bottle when Helena left him. Surely it would keep Martin from ending his own life!

His thoughts were running miles an hour, but he was shaken from his reverie by Martin squeezing his hand once more.

“Notice how I used the past tense.” His partner said.

Douglas looked up sharply, locking eyes with Martin. He wasn't exactly smiling, but there was something reassuring about his expression that calmed Douglas.

“So you're not...”

“No. I'm not about to kill myself, nor am I depressed or anything. This was 2 years ago, Douglas. It's not the same now, I'm happy. I can fly, I've got you. That's all I need.” He stroked the back of Douglas' hand with his thumb in a soothing gesture and Douglas felt himself relax further. But he wasn't completely reassured.

“What changed?”

Martin fell silent and averted his eyes. Douglas clenched and unclenched his fists, but otherwise remained still. He would give Martin all the time he needed.

Finally Martin opened his mouth to speak.

“I had just gotten home from a flight when I decided to write that letter, the flight to Taiwan, remember that one?” He began. “Arthur got all excited about that special dish, something about iron eggs.”

Douglas remained silent and Martin continued.

“When I got home I was tired, more tired than I remember ever being. And it wasn't just physical exhaustion either. Flying usually gives me energy, or at the very least I wouldn't feel as alone. It wasn't the first time I was that tired, but it was that night I realised I wasn't just feeling a bit under the weather. This wouldn't go away and I figured I was tired of life in general.”

A pained expression appeared on his face and Douglas reached out to reassuringly stroke his arm. Martin cast him a quick smile, which he returned.

“You have no idea how difficult it was to write that letter. I must have wasted about two dozen pieces of paper trying to find the right words. In the end there was still a lot left unsaid, but you always had a way with words. I trusted you would know what to tell the others.”

Douglas bit his tongue to keep from commenting, but Martin could read his expression clearly.

“It was selfish, I know. But at that point I didn't really care anymore. I finished the letter and placed it on my pillow. At first I didn't really know what to do from then on, and decided to go for a walk. A walk that led me to the bridge across the river and I... jumped.”

A strangled sound escaped Douglas' throat.

“I thought the impact would kill me, but it merely broke my clavicle and bruised my ribs.” Martin continued quickly. “As soon as I realised I was still alive I started swimming. A quick death I could deal with but drowning wasn't on my wish list. The current was rather strong and even though I headed straight to shore I ended up about half a mile downstream. When I got out of the water I lay on the beach from quite some time catching my breath. Afterwards I headed towards the main road, that's where luck was finally on my side and even though it must have been around 4 AM there was a single car on the road belonging to a couple just returning from a holiday. They took me to the hospital.”

As Martin spoke he couldn't look at Douglas, instead focusing on their entwined fingers.

“You said you fell down the stairs!” Douglas said weakly when Martin finished his story. “When you called in sick - ”

“I lied, obviously.” He dared a sideway glance at his partner. “Are you mad?”

Douglas stared at him for a minute. He was angry, yes. But not because Martin had tried to kill himself. He was angry with himself for noticing any signs. Even though they hadn't been together back then, they had been friends! He should have noticed something at least. He was supposed to be good at reading people!

But the most dominant emotion at this point had to be gratitude. That luck had finally sided with Martin and that he had survived. That he could look into those blue eyes and count those silly but adorable freckles.

“No.” He said. “Just glad you failed.”

Martin grinned at him. “You were always good at enjoying my failures, weren't you?”

“You didn't answer my question though.” Douglas said. “What changed? Can you promise me you'll never do such a thing again?”

There was a hint of fear in his voice, but he didn't care. Martin and he had been together long enough that he wasn't afraid to show the younger man he cared. In turn, Martin would do the same.

“You must understand, Douglas. Starting to swim was a conscious decision.” Martin replied. “The journey to shore wasn't easy. I could have given up and just let the water swallow me at any given time. But I didn't. The moment I survived the impact is when I decided that if I could fight my way out of the water, I could fight my way through life.”

Douglas nodded thoughtfully. He still wasn't completely without worry and he would probably always worry for his captain. He was far too skinny for his own good and his bad luck was legendary. But Douglas could counter that and he was a rather good cook too, so he could make sure Martin was properly fed. And considering the matter of the rent, he was sure he could spare some money. Douglas was determined to make Martin's fight as easy as possible.

Together they would take on everything life could possibly throw at them.

_~ The End_


End file.
